MY HOME FIRST! to receive God's blessings, as loaned to me from a "very old church."
Now, I don't know what you think of when you think of a very old church, but I think:
You know, at least a thousand years old.
So I opened up the letter and immediately had to take an Advil. I'm affected that way by Random Capitalization, excessive use of bold and underlining, and misuse of commas. Plus, the letter writer KEEPS YELLING AT ME.
Then I find out that God doesn't even know my name is Occupant.
And the definition of "very old" is 57. I can't wait to tell Dad he nearly qualifies.
Here's the dealio: inside the envelope is a folded 11" x 17" sheet printed to look something like an oriental rug. A representation of Jesus is in the center. His eyes are closed. I'm supposed to look at his eyes and relax and suddenly I will see the eyes open and look back at me. This is not because Jesus has been drawn like one of those Magic Eye posters - this is because "This St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Prayer Rug is Soaked with the Power of Prayer for you." If I kneel on it and pray alone, check off on a form what I prayed for, and return the rug and form (along with my donation-this is an important point) within 24 hours, my prayer will be answered. Testimonials of healed legs and monetary windfalls ensue.
Here's the form:
It's a little small, so you can click through to a larger version, upon which you will see that one can pray for their soul, for their health, to stop a bad habit, for a new car, or for a specific amount of money, among other somewhat self-centered things. I noticed right away that world peace, the eradication of childhood sexual abuse, yellowcake uranium, one ring to rule them all, and "Jesus Christ, somebody please stop the f'in Patriots" are not on the list, possibly because the form could easily fall into the wrong hands.
After I put the prayer rug and my requests in the mail, I can open this sealed prophecy from the Lord about my future.
I note with approval that God seals his prophecies with clear mailing tabs instead of the white ones.
It's not for me, though. I have carefully folded up all this holy copy paper and returned everything to the envelope. I will carry it to K. on Super Bowl Sunday, and we will argue over who gets the one-time-use prayer rug - he wants plutonium, and I want the Giants to stop the f'in Patriots.
